Letting Go
Perhaps... this is what Ed meant when he said that Eric Khoo's films are seriously dark and depressing. I've not watched Mee Pok Man and 12 Storeys... yet, but I'm already dying after I watched, "Be With Me". I guess someone as emotionally frail as I will most definately get suckered and leave myself pretty much open to whatever that comes along my way. Everything will get magnified... the slightest hint of discontent from someone that I moderately care for will be magnified a gazillion times and I'll feel utterly terrible.
Fuck, I hate this feeling... then again, I seem to have become a willing slave to my emotions. It is what guides me along in life. I'm after all a feeler. I function mainly by feel... If things were to go right, it would be because I listen to my heart. I'd feel terrible if I dis-obeyed by natural instinct and when things naturally go absolutely haywire from the desired conclusion just because I second-guessed myself. Please for the good of my emotional health, I've got to learn how to trust myself. I remember that in my earlier and less tainted days, I let myself take control of things. Be it when I was playing soccer, work or dealing with friends, I'd always be in control of what I wanted to do. It was pretty clear how things would turn out the moment I set my mind... No, it should be the moment I set my HEART to it.
Recently I've been hit by that strange feeling again. That feeling that overwhelms any kind of logical thinking and you just have to go with the flow, while feeling totally powerless to resist it. It lets you have a taster of all the good things and lures you in deeper and deeper and just when you think you're in with a chance, it gets taken away from you. So you end up with the slightest imprint that was left upon your heart that is so faint but yet so strong. And as it slowly fades away... that strange stinging sensation grows. It is worse if you are able to visualise it happening in front of you.
I need to learn how not to get fraught in such emotional situations anymore. It is really not healthy. But I don't wanna turn into a cynical monster too. Urrgh. Someone please tell me not to fall, so that I won't have to learn how to let go?
Fuck, I hate this feeling... then again, I seem to have become a willing slave to my emotions. It is what guides me along in life. I'm after all a feeler. I function mainly by feel... If things were to go right, it would be because I listen to my heart. I'd feel terrible if I dis-obeyed by natural instinct and when things naturally go absolutely haywire from the desired conclusion just because I second-guessed myself. Please for the good of my emotional health, I've got to learn how to trust myself. I remember that in my earlier and less tainted days, I let myself take control of things. Be it when I was playing soccer, work or dealing with friends, I'd always be in control of what I wanted to do. It was pretty clear how things would turn out the moment I set my mind... No, it should be the moment I set my HEART to it.
Recently I've been hit by that strange feeling again. That feeling that overwhelms any kind of logical thinking and you just have to go with the flow, while feeling totally powerless to resist it. It lets you have a taster of all the good things and lures you in deeper and deeper and just when you think you're in with a chance, it gets taken away from you. So you end up with the slightest imprint that was left upon your heart that is so faint but yet so strong. And as it slowly fades away... that strange stinging sensation grows. It is worse if you are able to visualise it happening in front of you.
I need to learn how not to get fraught in such emotional situations anymore. It is really not healthy. But I don't wanna turn into a cynical monster too. Urrgh. Someone please tell me not to fall, so that I won't have to learn how to let go?
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